Child Behavior Help

Archive for October 16th, 2009

Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End

Do you walk on eggshells around your child, afraid of doing anything to set him off? Do you appease him when you notice he’s winding up to throw a tantrum? In part one of a two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains how fear of acting-out behavior sets up a dangerous pattern for your child—and the whole family.

“Now you’re negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he’s going to act out is going to dictate how much you give in.”

All parents experience fear for their kids. They worry about their children getting sick, doing well in school, and whether or not they’ll be able to get a job and succeed in life. Being afraid for your kids is very normal, but being afraid of your kids is a phenomenon that has developed over the past several decades, and something that parents need to look at closely. And by the way, sometimes these two fears are actually tied together—fears about their child being able to make it in life actually will cause some parents to think they have to give in more; they become a cushion for their kids because mastering life skills seems so difficult for their child. But let me be clear: that’s exactly what you don’t want to do.

Young Kids: How the Pattern Starts
When a child is two or three, he learns to respond by saying “no” all the time. He starts resisting and asserting his individuality from his mother and father and often manages his anger and frustration by throwing temper tantrums. Some parents learn that you just have to wait those tantrums through, but others begin to worry that they’re not able to manage their child or that they are not in control. Others worry that if they don’t give in—if they say “no” to their child—their child won’t love them anymore. In effect, these parents become afraid of their child’s acting-out behavior and are held hostage by it. They get worn down and often begin caving in to inappropriate demands as they try to appease their child instead of remaining firm and waiting the tantrum out.

So their young child develops a pattern of acting out because it works for him—it gives him power and gets him what he wants. When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child: they’re alone in the house and their child is screaming and yelling and kicking. Their life seems crazy and out of control, but they don’t know how to stop it without caving in to their child.

These kids soon learn to blackmail their parents with the threat of throwing a tantrum. Pretty soon, the parent starts giving in as soon as their child starts to signal that they’re going into a tantrum: maybe their child’s voice escalates or becomes shrill, or maybe they stomp their feet and scream “no.” Once that happens, a very serious pattern has begun. Now the child has actually trained the parent to give in to their demands, no matter what. If your child knows he can get you to give in by behaving inappropriately or destructively, he’s going to learn to give you those cues. It’s just like being in a play: when you get your cue, you’re going to read your lines: “It’s OK, don’t do that, I’ll get you the toy.” Or you’re going to bribe him: “Well, if you can hold off for five minutes, then I’ll get you a candy bar in the car.” What you’re really doing is negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he’s going to act out or that you can’t handle the tantrum is going to dictate how much you give in.

And by the way, parents don’t know this pattern is forming while it’s happening. This is not a conscious thing where people say “I’m going to give in to my kid and then he’s going to become a monster.” They’re saying, “Oh man, I can’t handle this right now.” And their child learns from that lesson that when you can’t handle something, he’ll get what he wants. So his goal then, when he wants something and you tell him no, is to set up situations you can’t handle. Remember, this is not a moral issue for your child: it’s not about being good or evil. Your child is not really conscious of the effects of his behavior other than it gets him his way. Children, like all living things, learn to take the easy way out. The important thing is not to blame your child or assign diabolical motives to his behavior.

It is important to realize that if your child is using inappropriate behavior to get his way, it’s not a phase that will magically stop when he turns ten or twelve or even fifteen. That pattern of behavior may continue on through adolescence and into young adulthood.

Acting Out in School: When Your Child’s Behavior Controls Others
If a child has successfully used inappropriate behavior at home, you will often see them trying it out at school. After all, if their strategy works on their parents, why shouldn’t it work on their teachers, too? In kindergarten and first grade if they don’t get their way they may escalate. They may tantrum, call people names, throw things on the floor and walk around in the classroom when they’re supposed to be sitting down. It’s important to note that for a significant number of children, the classroom structure that teachers utilize will be sufficient to change some of these behaviors.

I’ve found that many of these kids also have a learning disability or some other factor that interferes with their ability to learn to solve problems. Think of it this way: if you have dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder or auditory processing problems, you might perceive the world as a threatening place. For these kids, it’s often much harder to learn how to solve social problems through reasonable negotiating, being patient, and learning how to accept no for an answer. So what tends to happen is they solve their problems by acting out—and that becomes their one default skill. They’ve developed this one trick: “Agree with me or face my crappy behavior.” And that can become their strategy for solving all problems. “Give me my way or face my crappy behavior.” They do this in school, at home, and on the bus and as long as it works, they will continue to use it. Not only is the child controlling others with his behavior, he’s not learning the problem-solving skills that he desperately needs to learn to be able to make it in life. If everyone around him is backing down, all he’s learning is how to threaten and intimidate others through fear.

How This Affects Your Family
Realize that if you have one child who controls the house with inappropriate behavior, this is not just your problem: it’s also a problem for your other children. Make no mistake, dealing with an acting-out sibling can have a great and long-lasting influence on your other kids’ personalities. When siblings don’t know when, how or why their brother or sister is going to explode, it’s overwhelming and scary because they can’t control it. What often happens in these cases is that kids develop their own sub-type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will learn not to show their feelings. They may hide out in their rooms and submerge their emotions. That’s because in their world, it’s not safe for them to do so. It’s not safe to show your feelings; it’s not safe to say how you feel. After all, their sibling could explode and take it out on them at any given moment. So these kids wind up very flat emotionally; there seems to be no joy in their lives. There are things parents can do to correct these destructive patterns, but nonetheless, it’s hard on everybody. [Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read James Lehman’s article, ”The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings”.]

The First Step toward Changing Your Child’s Behavior
When parents used to come to me with this problem, I’d say, “We’re going to come up with a plan to change what’s happening in your house. Let’s figure out some things for you to do when things get tough so you can empower and support yourself.” I think it’s nearly impossible for people to try to rely on willpower alone to change their parenting style. Here’s the truth: their child’s behavior wasn’t going to change unless the parents’ behavior changed. I believe if you work at it, things will change; and if you don’t, things will stay bad or get worse. The kid who’s throwing a tantrum today is going to be throwing your chair across the room in ten years. And that’s how he ups the ante as he gets older. Most kids escalate; it’s a natural progression. They have to be more intimidating. When you’re 13, it’s very awkward to lie on the floor and throw a tantrum. It’s much easier to throw something across the room and hit the wall. You see these kids punch holes in walls all the time; that is the evolution of their tantrum. Certainly as they get older, the intimidation becomes more real. There are kids who hit and push their parents. There are kids who intentionally break and damage things around the house. There are kids who hit their siblings or hurt them emotionally by calling them foul names. And make no mistake, this becomes a very real problem.

If your child has trained you to be afraid of him and back down when he acts out, realize that whatever authority you had originally has diminished over time. When these kids are really in flower—when they’re really showing who they are—you can’t tell them anything. They’ll tell you to kiss their butts. You can’t tell them when to come in at night; if you put them in their room, they’ll climb out their window. Basically, they’ll come and go as they please and they’ll say, “You can’t stop me.” The sad part is that unless you change the way you parent and start holding them accountable, they’re right.

In next week’s article, James Lehman will give you 7 tips on how to stop living in fear of your child’s inappropriate behavior—and learning how to start parenting more effectively.

Read Part Two

Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority  | Read Part One

In part two of this series, James gives you 7 ways to get back parental control and stop living in fear of your child’s acting-out behavior.

Most people aren’t afraid of their children; rather, they’re afraid of their child’s behavior. It’s important to understand that this fear undermines your authority as a parent because it’s hard to set limits successfully when you’re afraid. You lose more of your authority each time you give in after your child has acted out. And as soon as he realizes that, you’ll only have the authority he gives you. You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

These kids tend to gravitate toward a “no accountability” way of life, where “no accountability” equals “no authority.” And in order for your child’s system to work for him, he has to keep all the authorities around him in check. Soon this becomes one of his primary goals in life.

You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

In my opinion, even though you might have fears about your child’s acting-out behavior, you need to learn how to deal with those thoughts and feelings so they don’t have power over you—that they don’t dictate your behavior. So while you may be afraid your child is going to throw a tantrum, don’t let that fear derail your decision to be firm. Remember, it’s not what you’re afraid of, it’s how much power you give that fear. I don’t know if people truly ever “master their fears,” but I think that over time, the fear of your child acting out will have less power over you if you stick to a game plan of setting limits and holding your child accountable.

By the way, when you decide that you’re going to start dealing with your child’s pattern of acting out behavior differently, first of all, get ready for a struggle. Your child is not going to believe it; in fact, he’s going to think that if he just tantrums a little harder or a little more, you’ll give in. That’s because you’ve given in for so long; you’ve trained him how to treat you. Some of us train our kids to treat us respectfully. Others of us, through no fault of our own, train our kids to act out more in order to get their way.

Here are some of the important rules I taught parents who were afraid of setting off their child:

1. Come up with a Game Plan
   The first thing I recommend is to come up with a game plan of what you’re going to do when your child starts to escalate. This will give you something concrete to guide you. Decide how you’re going to handle tantrums and acting out in the future. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about this now? What’s going to be different in my behavior, my response?” Write an “Instead” list for yourself. It might include things like, “I won’t back down when my child starts screaming, instead I’ll leave the store. I will give my child consequences and set limits.”

   And then get ready for some long tantrums, especially at home. Make no mistake, there will be a fierce battle for a while. Things will get better, but be prepared for your child to test you and test you and test you. Sometimes the tantrums and acting out will increase in intensity and frequency. That’s because your child is thinking, “If I just do this a little more, maybe she’ll give in.” You’ve inadvertently trained him to do that and now you’re going to have to do some work to undo it. In the end, the behavior often changes—it may re-emerge at different times, but you just need to handle it the same way.

2. Explain How Things Are Going to Change
   When things are going well, tell your child what you’re going to do when he acts out or throws a tantrum. Say “Hey, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I’ve been thinking that you’re really too old to throw tantrums now. So from now on, when you do that, this is what I’m going to do.” And you tell them what consequences they will get. You can also say, “When you’re in a tantrum or acting out, I’m not going to give in, I’m going to let you go through your tantrum. When you’re done, then we can resume what we were doing. That means you’re not going to get that toy or that candy bar just because you yell and scream and kick your feet.” Or for older kids, “I’m not going to give in to you just because you punch a hole in the wall or scream at me.” And I think that parents should articulate that information to their kids no matter how old they are. If your child is very young, he might not understand at first, but it will help you as a parent to focus. If your child does understand it, then he knows what to expect. When parents consistently tell their young kids what will happen, the tantrums often diminish in frequency and intensity as the child grows older. With older kids, talking to them in this way lets them know that you’re the boss now—and that you’re not going to give in to their acting out anymore.
3. Let Them Know the Process
   Let your child know the process ahead of time. You can say, “Hey, when you tantrum in the store, I’m just going to move about five feet away and I’m just going to watch you tantrum until you’re done. I’m going to bring a book with me and if you throw a tantrum I’m going to read it. I’m not going to talk to you or argue with you.” And by the way, bringing a book is really a good thing to do because it shows your child that you won’t be moved by their behavior. It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, have a ball, pal. Dance around on the floor all you want, I’m just going to read my magazine.” It takes the power away from your child’s inappropriate behavior, and that’s exactly what you want to do.
4. After Your Child Has Acted Out
   After your child has had a tantrum or behavioral episode, it’s a good time to have a little talk with him about what he’s going to do differently next time. If your child is old enough, ask him what he was trying to accomplish, and how he will handle it differently next time. These are the most important questions you can ask because they lead to your child learning how to develop other options. Remember, problem solving is based on coming up with other options to deal with the issue at hand. So don’t ask “How did you feel?” or even “Why did you do that?” The only real thing you want to get out of it is for your child to come up with some other ways of handling his anger or frustration. In this way, your child also has his own little game plan to fall back on. When you help your child develop another response to that situation, he will learn problem-solving skills he can use for the rest of his life.
5. Don’t Let Fear of Assumed Judgment Control You
   Dont’ be a mind reader. Most parents have fears that other people are judging them when their child acts out, so they do things to appease their kids so they’ll behave. I think that’s a mistake. Realize this: people are going to judge you; people judge each other about all kinds of things all day long. But here’s the deal: you’re trying to raise your child so he can learn the life skills he needs to be successful. If you let your fear of criticism and judgment control you, you’re not going to be able to accomplish your task of raising your child effectively.
6. Don’t Give in When Your Child Says, “I Hate You!”
   Fear that your child won’t love you if you set limits on him is something many parents have a hard time with, especially when their child is old enough to say, “I don’t love you—I hate you!” But, again, if you give that behavior power, it’s not going to change. If you don’t give it power and instead understand that it’s just a stage kids go through, you won’t be influenced to back down. Kids love their parents; it’s instinctual. (Unfortunately, even kids even love parents who hurt or abuse them.) So if your child says they don’t love you, instead of getting upset, try saying, “Maybe you don’t love me right now. But you still have to do your homework.”
7. Get Outside Help
   I recommend that you get some outside help when dealing with this issue. The simple truth is that you can’t trust your willpower alone to get you through. Willpower is fine when it works—but as we all know, it doesn’t always work. Try to get a support system in place, whether that’s training, effective parenting classes, books you read, programs in your home, counseling, or a support group. You should have some outside support. It’s good to make the commitment to change, but in my opinion it’s much more important to get the tools from outside and then try to use them one day at a time. And give yourself a break: realize that some days are going to be easier than others.
8. Appeal to the Authorities
   If your child is behaving criminally, the sooner you can get him into the juvenile justice system, the better. Although the wheels of justice turn slowly, your child will eventually get a probation officer who will then have the power to hold him more accountable than you can. So when your child doesn’t go to school, he will have to answer to his probation officer as well as you. If he misses school enough times, hopefully the probation officer will take some action. I worked with some parents who had a probation officer behind them who supported them. The probation officer would lock their child up in the youth center for a weekend if he or she violated the rules. I saw changes take place in those families. The kids started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behavior changed because there was an accountability system in place that didn’t let them slide.

I always tell parents to understand that there is no quick solution to this problem, especially as the child grows older. Rather, you have to learn how to manage your child’s behavior in a way that diminishes the power of their acting out. The end goal is that your child will learn other ways to solve problems besides using power or intimidation. Just remember, kids don’t surrender power easily; neither do adults. Nobody likes to give up power, so it’s not going to happen over night.

In the thirty years I worked with kids, I saw families make progress all the time. They stopped letting their children box them in with their acting-out behavior; these parents instead worked toward the goal of helping their kids learn new skills. Remember that no family is perfect. People make progress, fall back, make more progress, and even fall back again. But in the long run, families changed and these kids learned other coping skills.

Some people say that the parents are the problem, but I don’t think that’s right. I think parents are the solution, and they need training and support.

Govt urged to regulate kids related things on media The News International Media persons thought that there was lack of comprehensive research on the impact of increased exposure on child psychology in the country.

Continued here:
Govt urged to regulate kids related things on media – The News International

guardian.co.uk Experts fear effects of media spotlight on 'balloon boy' CNN International Other child and developmental psychology experts warn that too much media exposure can be harmful. They worry that the spotlight could skew the child's ..

Read more: 
Experts fear effects of media spotlight on ‘balloon boy’ – CNN International

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University …

View original post here:
Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child – Part I