Child Behavior Help

Archive for October 17th, 2009

Many teens have what James Lehman calls a “dreamer” mentality– they believe that an exciting, high paying job will simply land in their laps, and therefore getting good grades or taking a less-than-perfect job is seen as unnecessary. ..

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How to Deal with Teens with Attitude : wordsfromabusysahm.com

For my friend Erica, change came when she and her husband used the techniques from the Total Transformation Program and told their son, “You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, …

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How to Deal with Teens with Attitude

The Make-Believe Solution New York Times While I was delighted to see Lev Vygotsky's theory of psychology receive such prominent attention in Paul Tough's article (Sept. …

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The Make-Believe Solution – New York Times

In Part II of Motivating Underachievers, James explains what you can do to get your child on track before school starts—and how you can motivate them to do their school work during the year.

“I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that’s really an attitudinal issue about ‘Why bother, my life’s not going to get any better anyway.’”

For a teen-ager, there are many ways to say “screw you” to your parents. And for underachieving kids, being motivated to do nothing is one of those ways. I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that’s really an attitudinal issue about “Why bother, my life’s not going to get any better anyway.” And when kids develop that kind of attitude, many times there’s a lot of stuff going on in their lives which overwhelms them. Resisting their parents’ expectations is one way that they can feel like they’re in control. For these children and teens, the path to power becomes a game of withholding and resisting, and they often sink under the waves at school. The sad part is that this game only works until they’re young adults—and then no one else will be willing to play it with them.

What to Say to Kids Who Had a Bad Year Last Year

For the kids who had a hard time in school the previous year, parents should be talking to them about what they learned from that hard time. After all, we’re supposed to learn from difficulty. While this talk should ideally happen at the end of the school year, you can still have this conversation now. (Be prepared for the fact that kids will often deny that it was that bad a year—that’s why it’s good to have the conversation while the year is still fresh in their mind, in the spring.)

Before school starts and when things are going well, sit down with your child, and say, “Look, there’s something that I think would be helpful to talk about. What did you learn from what you went through last year? I’m not criticizing, but what did you learn?” And then the follow up question should be, “And what will you do differently this year?” Not what they’ll say differently. “What will you do differently to stay on top of your grades,” or “What will you do differently to get along better with your classmates or with the teachers? Let’s pick one thing you can do right now from day one that will help you move in that direction.”

When kids stumble and fall, I think our goal is to always ask what they’re going to do differently and what they’ve learned. When my son would fail a test, I would say, “What did you learn from this? And what are you going to do differently?” These questions talk about the future and get the child to think about what they will do to change the outcome. I looked at it this way: the test was over, and he failed it. That was the natural consequence. I didn’t need to make speeches at him or blame him, because that’s not an effective way to get change. I was interested in what he was going to do so he would pass the next test.

The whole coaching and teaching role is about, “What did you learn from this, what are you going to do differently, how can I help you with those skills?” Sometimes what your child is going to do differently is do his homework at the kitchen table so somebody is there to make sure that he does it. Sometimes it’s going to be studying with a friend. But you always want concrete answers to what your child’s going to do differently, whenever they have a hard time and whenever they slip up.

If they don’t come through with any ideas or say, “I don’t know,” you should make some suggestions and have them pick one. Certainly, you can try to reason with them. But there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I want to see your homework every day till you pass the next test.” Or “I want your door open when you do the homework until you pass the next test.” It’s OK to lay that down on them so that the accountability becomes more personal. But first, you give them a chance. That way, the next time you have this talk with them, your child will know what’s going on. He’ll have the script, he’ll know what he’s supposed to say and do.

6 Things You Can Do to Get Your Kids back on Track before School Starts:

Start Waking up Early: A week before school starts, have all your kids use their alarms and wake up at the time they’ll be getting up during the school year. They should wash their face, brush their teeth and come out and have breakfast. Afterward, they can go back to sleep, start their day—whatever they normally do. What you want to get them used to is doing their hygiene at a certain time, getting dressed at a certain time and showing up in the kitchen in time to make your school bus or their ride.

Start Having an Hour of Quiet Time at Night. Have quiet time at night if you don’t already have it. This will become part of their homework time. But for now, let them read a book, comics, or magazines. What they do in quiet time is not as important as the fact that there’s no electronics—including cell phones and texting—during this time.

Stop Allowing Your Teen to Go out at Night During the Week: For older kids, about a week before school, they should not be able to go out at night. They have to get back into their school schedule, which means saying, “No going out to socialize after dinner, you have to stay home.” So your child will get used to being home at night. Over the summer, teen-agers tend to get more and more freedom. That’s just a natural process, especially if they’re older teens. What you want to do is get them to gravitate toward the home, which is one of the centers of their educational life. You go to school from home; you go to sports activities from home; you do your homework at home. In the summer, “outside the home” becomes the focus. Whether it’s day camp or camping out with your friends by the lake for four days, the focus is outside of the home. This is good, but now kids need to be brought back in.
Don’t be surprised if your child or teen resists this. Let’s face it, it’s hard to get back on track. Picture yourself coming back from vacation, and think of how hard it can be to get back in the groove at work. You will probably hear your child make excuses like, “It’s not school yet, I’m still on vacation.” That may be true, but I think you want to say to them very clearly, “You need to get back on track. And once you do these things, if you stay home after dinner, you can do what you want except for that hour of quiet time. And after you get up in the morning, you can do what you want after we meet in the kitchen. You can have breakfast, go back to bed, go hang with your friends.”

Remember, Rehearsaland Repetition prepare children for their responsibilities. Intellectualizing doesn’t work. Preaching doesn’t work. Philosophizing doesn’t work. What works is the concrete tasks of rehearsal and repetition. That’s true for all kids—and even more so for teenagers.

Keep Track of Your Child’s Assignments: Have your child’s teacher email you his homework assignments or have him carry an assignment book back and forth, so that there’s communication between you and the school. You should know exactly what your child has to do that night. And then you should set up some kind of reward system when he does it.

Consider Rewarding Your Child for Good Grades: If my son got all A’s and B’s, he was rewarded with some cash. If he didn’t, he didn’t get punished; he just didn’t get the money. We didn’t threaten him or anything; it was just a standing thing in our home. When my son didn’t do well on the test, I asked him, “So what are you going to do differently next time?” That’s what you have to do with underachievers. “What’d you learn from this?” They might say, “I don’t know, I didn’t learn anything.” And then you can say, “Well, I’d like you to learn that maybe you should’ve studied more. Or maybe you should’ve studied with a friend.” In fact, sometimes studying with another child helps your child get motivated. Nothing motivates kids like studying with other kids—nothing. In my opinion, well-managed study groups are very helpful.

Have Your Child Earn the Right to Study on His Own: You can also motivate your child to succeed by having them earn rights around the house. “When you get all B’s and above, you can go to your room and do your homework. But as long as you have C’s and B’s, you will not study in your room. More than one C and you’re down here.” It’s completely dealt with that way. So in order to function more independently, your child has to achieve. He just doesn’t get to go to his room and do his homework by himself—he has to be near a parent at all times.

Natural Consequences: Let me be clear: failure is a part of life. By the time kids hit their teenage years, they’re sick of failure. But failure is just one of the things that they encounter all along the way, from the time they’re two years old to when they’re 17. Believe me, kids know when they’ve failed, they understand what that means. I personally believe that you have to let your child experience natural consequences. This means you should let them fail that year in school or let them fail that subject. If that still doesn’t motivate them or if it adds to their lack of motivation, that’s when you have to seek professional help.

Why are Smart or “Gifted” Kids Sometimes Underachievers?

Gifted is a funny word. People throw it around a lot these days, and parents cling to it because they crave it. But gifted is as gifted does. In other words, gifts are not gifts until you use them to accomplish something. There may be wonderful gifted painters in the world, but we see DaVinci’s work. There may be wonderful, gifted actors, but we see DeNiro’s body of work. We see people who have used their gifts and worked hard to create something. Maybe DaVinci and DeNiro were gifted, but they also worked their butts off to produce their accomplishments.

If they told me that my son was gifted, that would not be good news for me unless he was performing. If your child is doing well and they actually tell you he’s gifted, great. But if he’s not performing and they tell you he’s gifted, they’re telling you that something’s wrong. What they’re telling you is, “He understands what’s going on and he’s making the non-constructive choice not to do it.” And that’s not good news. Also, I would caution parents not to get confused by words like gifted and smart; that’s how you’re being misdirected. I think that when the school says your child is gifted, sometimes what they’re saying is, “We don’t want to take any responsibility. He’s smart enough to do this himself.”

I believe that while sometimes we’re too stingy with praise, we’re sometimes too quick to give it. Sometimes we’re too quick to say “That’s a great job” instead of saying, “I see you’re trying harder. That’s cool.” We’re too quick to label a child gifted without giving him the right kind of help. I recommend not to give kids things as if they’re completely accomplished in life. Always talk about their progress.

When you’re working with teenagers who are underachievers, it’s hard to sit down and have these conversations sometimes. Believe me, I know it is hard work to talk with teenagers. But you have to do things that are hard if you’re a parent; there are no shortcuts. We need to be coaches, teachers and limit setters for our children if we want them to succeed in life. Coaching your child to do better is one of the key ways to become a more effective parent. Always remember, the goal is not to become a good parent—and it’s not even to avoid being a bad parent. Rather, the goal is to become a more effective parent. That’s not ever an easy task, but the goal is extremely worthwhile.

If you’re the parent of a defiant child, you’ve probably wondered what makes him so angry at life—and angry at you. With the school year approaching, are you gearing up for another difficult year with your child, just hoping that he’ll make it through—and that you’ll be able to manage without falling apart? Realize that it doesn’t have to be a daily battle of wills once you understand what’s actually going on in your child’s head. Here, James Lehman MSW breaks down some of your child’s thinking on a typical school day.

Although it may feel like your defiant child hates you, that’s usually far from the truth.

It’s another day and another battle. The alarm goes off, and your child yells, “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair!” He hasn’t done his homework (again) because, as he sees it, the teacher didn’t explain the assignment to him. He adds, “Besides, my teacher is a jerk, and she doesn’t like me, anyway.” You find yourself yelling, “Hurry, you’re going to miss the bus,” but instead of getting ready, now your child is dragging his feet and shouting, “Leave me alone!” As on countless other days, he misses the bus and starts pleading with you for a ride to school, saying, “You don’t want me to be late, do you, Mom?” Before he gets out of the car, he reacts to your speech about trying harder tomorrow by screaming, “All right, get off my back. Why are you always yelling at me?” and slams the door. At school, he gravitates to the wrong group of friends and goofs off in class; even worse, he talks back to the teacher instead of paying attention. When he comes home in the afternoon, he grunts at you before getting onto his video games (you think they’re way too violent, but he loves them) listens to music which you find offensive, and talks openly about admiring people who are crooks and criminals. That night, you know your child is probably going to stay up until all hours playing more of those video games you can’t stand, but you’re so tired of fighting with him that you just fall into bed exhausted.

As a parent, you live this kind of situation every day when you have a defiant or “difficult” kid, but have you ever wondered what’s going on in your child’s head when he’s fighting with you? Although it may feel like he hates you, that’s usually far from the truth. Rather, kids get caught up in a long chain of what we call “thinking errors” that can tangle up their emotions and behavior—and make no mistake, unless they get help, thinking errors can dominate a person’s thought processes throughout their entire lives.

Here’s how some of the thinking errors used by the child above break down—and what you can do to challenge these faulty ways of thinking in your own child.

Thinking Error #1: “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair.”

What It Means: One of the thinking errors this child is using is called “Injustice.” Realize that many kids see things as being unfair. The danger is that once they label something as “not fair” they feel like they don’t have to follow the rules or honor your expectations. This is pretty common in our society. If you’re on the turnpike and the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour, you’ll see many people going sixty-five and seventy. It’s because they think fifty-five miles an hour isn’t fair—and once they decide it’s not fair, then in their minds, the speed limit rules don’t apply to them.

We all use thinking errors to justify doing things we know are risky or unhealthy. People use errors every day to gamble, lie, steal and cheat—or simply to justify having that second helping of pie. The problem is when kids use thinking errors to avoid taking responsibility. When they do this, they’re not realistically preparing for the adult world which awaits them. Remember, it’s not what the thinking error does—it’s what the thinking error justifies or permits.

What You Can Do: It’s important for you as a parent to challenge the error in thinking in a non-confrontational way. One thing the mother in our example could have said was, “You know school is your responsibility. If you don’t get up, you’re going to get an earlier bedtime. And it looks to me like you need to get more rest so you can get up on time.”

Thinking Error #2: “The Teacher is a jerk—and she hates me.”

What It Means: When a child says something like this, he’s using a thinking error called “The Victim Stance”. Some kids see themselves as victims all the time and in almost every situation. What they’re doing is trying to reject the idea that they’re responsible for anything. You’ll ask them a question and they’ve always got a sad story. Part of that sad story is who they blame for not meeting their responsibilities. That’s because when you’re a victim, you blame other people. So these kids blame the teacher, they blame you, or they blame somebody else—and what they learn is if they stick to their story long enough, they won’t be held accountable.

What I try to tell parents is that there is a sad story, and then there’s a behavior story. The sad story is your child playing the victim; the behavior story is what your child did to other people or to property. And as parents, we always have to focus on the behavior story. Every child has to be responsible for the behavior story, not the sad story. Don’t forget, when kids see themselves as victims, that gives them the justification they need to not meet their responsibilities. If you’re a victim, they reason, you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And focusing on the sad story somehow supports their right not to meet responsibilities.

What You Can Do: When your child adopts the Victim Stance, what he needs to be hearing from you is, “You’re not a victim. You’re responsible for your actions.” In this case, the parent could also say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done. But you’re the homework-doer—that’s your responsibility. And it’s not your teacher’s job to get along with you; it’s your job to get along with your teacher.”

Thinking Error #3: “You don’t want me to be late for school, do you?”

What It Means: This is the thinking error I call “Concrete Transactions”. The Concrete Transactions mode is a way of thinking about things in which relationships with people in authority are simply vehicles your child uses to get around the rules. What he is saying is, “I’m your friend, and since I’m your friend, you’re going to help me get away with things—or help me get things I’m not entitled to.” So in your child’s mind, relationships are designed to help him get around rules, expectations and responsibilities. In other words, he thinks, “If I have a relationship with you, then you won’t make me follow the rules. You’re going to let me stay up past bedtime and sleep late in the morning.” So to your child, rules and the rights of others are seen as obstacles in relationships. The use of “Concrete Transactions” is designed to make you remove those obstacles instead of helping your child develop the problem solving skills he needs to manage the challenges he faces.

Know that if you’re in this kind of relationship with your child, you’re not really a person—you’re a role. Simply put, your child will treat you the right way as long as you stay in your role. If you try to leave it and be more responsible and hold your child accountable, you will often get a very nasty reaction.

By the way, whenever I hear parents say they want to be their kid’s friend, I become concerned. If parents want a friend, they should seek it outside of the home or get a puppy. These kids don’t need their parents to be their friends. They need direction, limits, coaching, teaching and structure. Look at it this way: if you define friendship as a mutual relationship where two people really try to take care of each other, then the best way to be your child’s friend is by being an effective parent.

What You Can Do: It’s important that children face the true consequences of their behavior. And when an authority figure such as a parent or teacher lets them off the hook, it doesn’t matter what they say to the child to justify it. As far as the child’s concerned, it works: He won.

In the example above, I would suggest that if possible, and if it’s safe, the mother should leave her child at home. Most kids complain about going to school, but they have no place else to go. And remember, if you leave him home, take the video game, cable box and computer control panel with you in the trunk of your car—and don’t forget his cell phone.

Thinking Error #4: “This video game is cool. Mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about—she’s so uptight.”

What It Means: This child is using a thinking error called “Pride in Negativity”. Defiant kids often take a lot of pride in their knowledge of unhealthy, secretive things. They have a fascination with negative role models because they see them as being powerful. These kids might hint at having a secretive, negative life. They may also take great pride in telling you that they know about different drugs and where to get them, and in their knowledge of crime—and how to shoplift and steal.

Kids who have low self esteem and no way to solve problems will gravitate towards peers who don’t expect anything out of them. Those kids in general will see negative behavior as a solution to their problem. In the end, “Pride in Negativity” means self esteem and identity from negativity.

What You Can Do: One of the big mistakes parents make is to argue with their kids about the negative things their child is fascinated with. But fighting about those issues only gives the child more power. I personally think parents should have a structure in their home that forbids the games they’re not comfortable with. You should also really ignore any Pride in Negativity statements by saying, “Look, I’m not interested in that stuff,” and then walk away. In other words, give it no power. Remember, if you show your child that certain behaviors have power over you, those behaviors are going to be repeated. Conversely, behaviors that have no power over you will diminish.

It’s important to remember that kids believe in the thinking errors they’re using. As a parent, I believe to be overly confrontational is not the way to go. What’s preferred is a corrective response that challenges or refutes the thinking error. After all, these errors are part of every day life. You’ll find that people use them all the time. In fact, I find myself using thinking errors, and you might find yourself using them, too. But here’s the risk for your child: kids, and especially teens, use these errors in thinking to avoid doing things that are difficult for them, and that’s what makes them dangerous. Remember, adolescence is one of the most critical times in your child’s development for them to learn how to solve life’s problems—not avoid them by using excuses, manipulation or lies.

Every parent of an acting-out child knows that once your kid has a reputation for being a troublemaker at school, it’s very difficult to undo that label. That’s because your child becomes the label; when the teacher looks at him, she often just sees a troublemaker. Sadly, it’s very hard to change that image, because even when your child tries harder, the label is reinforced when he slips up. And then he’s really in trouble, because not only is he still a troublemaker—now he’s seen as a manipulator, too.

“It’s your job to get along with your teacher, not your teacher’s job to get along with you.”

We all know that labels are assigned all the time and that they don’t help the problem. Not only are they innately unfair, they are also subjective. In other words, one person’s view of a troublemaker is not the same as another’s. School teachers, being human, will label kids. Make no mistake, teachers talk and are well aware of who the troublemakers are before they get to their class at the beginning of the year. After all, it’s part of their job to anticipate the behavioral issues they will be dealing with in their classroom and try to plan for them.

Part of what you have to do as a parent is try to distinguish between the label and your child’s style of functioning in school. So if your child has been called a troublemaker, ask yourself what that means. How does he make trouble? Does he speak out of turn in class? Is he easily distracted and bothersome to the students sitting next to him? Or is he disruptive and rude?

I always advise parents to be honest with themselves about their child’s behavior. Yes, it’s important to assert yourself as a parent and advocate for your child at school. But it’s also vital to your child’s development that you not defend him when he’s in the wrong. Make no mistake: defending your child when he has behaved inappropriately will not help him develop appropriate skills and to become right as a person. So if your child is known as a school troublemaker and is disruptive and rude in class, it’s very important that you acknowledge that. Parents need to have an open mind about their children so they can help the school in changing their behavior. Don’t forget, for many parents of kids with behavior problems, it’s easier to fight with the school than it is to change their child. And when you do this, that only succeeds in letting your child off the hook, when in reality what they really need to do is learn how to change their behavior. Whenever possible, though it’s sometimes difficult, parents and teachers need to work in tandem.

The New School Year: Starting Off on the Right Foot

If your child is in danger of having the troublemaker label follow him from grade to grade, you’re probably wondering how to start him off on the right foot this year. I think that at the beginning of any school year, you want to coach your child about the importance of first impressions. Let him know how important the first couple of weeks of school are in terms of getting along in class and doing well. Tell him that presenting himself as respectful and responsible will make a big difference for him. You can say, “Remember how we talked about what you would do differently in school this year to get along better? Well, one of the things we mentioned was that you should be polite to your teachers and not talk back. When you have the urge to talk back or be rude, what could you do differently?”

As a side note, if parents have a problem with a teacher or the school, they should never discuss it in front of their child. Make no bones about it, if you undermine the teacher openly at home, it becomes almost impossible at some later date to get your child to behave appropriately. I understand that parents won’t always agree with their child’s teacher. In certain cases, I thought my son’s teachers had some rules that didn’t make sense. My wife and I talked about it and discussed it with the teacher, but my son never knew it. That was because we were there to uphold the image of the school as an entity that has to be respected—and one in which our son knew he had to behave respectfully.

In my opinion, going to school is like having a job. You coach your child through their school career the same way you might give them advice when they start a profession. You can say, “You have to learn to get along. There are going to be good people and bad people. There are going to be good times and bad times. There are going to be people who don’t like you and people you don’t like.” The key is not to eliminate everything your child doesn’t like in life; the key is to help him manage things even when life is difficult. After all, there’s going to be injustice in school and in life, though few parents acknowledge or talk about it with their kids. I think it’s good to say, “That’s an injustice and you’ll have to deal with it.” Because in fact, some things really aren’t fair in life, and part of growing up is learning to deal with that fact.

When I worked with kids who didn’t get along with their teachers, I would often say, “Look, it’s your job to get along with your teacher, not your teacher’s job to get along with you.” A teacher’s job is to be respectful of their students and to help them learn. It’s not their job to humor kids when they’re in a bad mood or act out. No place does that, so when kids complained about their teachers, I would say. “Whether you work at a gas station or a law firm, your boss and co-workers won’t put up with that kind of behavior. You have to learn how to get along, that’s part of becoming independent.” In fact, some of the most important criteria for independence are “How well does this person manage adversity? How well does he get along with people he doesn’t like? How does he deal with supervisors who are a pain in the neck?” We’re all going to have that in life. So the idea is to give your child the skills to get along no matter who he or she is dealing with.

Consequences: Should I Give Them to My Child When He Gets in Trouble at School?

Let’s face it: every parent whose child acts out in class gets sick of hearing from the school—even if they know their child is legitimately a problem. Parents don’t want to go to work and hear about their kids during the school day; they want the school to handle it. And the school thinks parents should be more involved in dealing with inappropriate behavior.

So when should parents get involved? I think the answer to that is straightforward. In my opinion, it depends on whether the problem is “functional” or “relational.” A functional problem includes being late for class, chewing gum or running down the hall. I think schools should handle those problems; that is their community, and they need to manage it. I personally do not think parents should give more consequences at home for those types of things. But the whole game changes when it comes to relational problems. These are problems that have to do with inappropriate behavior towards people or property. If your child steals, if he’s physically abusive, if he’s threatening, if he gets into a fight, parents need to hold him accountable and give consequences at home in addition to the consequences the school assigns.

Again, one of the things parents have to avoid is insulating their child from the natural consequences of their behavior. If your child destroys property or assaults someone at school and you do everything you can to protect him so he doesn’t have to face legal consequences, I think you’re making a mistake. I think you can support your child through those consequences—I would. But the more you insulate him from the natural consequences of his actions, the less likely those actions are going to change. Because let’s face it, people don’t change until there’s pressure to change. And unfortunately, that pressure often comes from negative consequences, whether that’s for a speeding ticket or for being physically aggressive in school. We understand that fact as adults in society: people get tickets all the time for running lights and for speeding. You may not like getting a ticket, you may not think it’s fair. But the bottom line is that it makes you look at your behavior and change it.

When a child gets in serious trouble at school, many parents become worried that it will go on their permanent record. Is that a legitimate worry for a parent? Yes. But you don’t soothe those worries by sweeping the problem under the rug. Let me be clear: if your child assaults someone at school and doesn’t get a record now, he’s going to get one later—that’s all there is to it.

• How to Handle a Functional Problem

If your child tells you, “I got detention because I was running in the hall,” the thing to ask him is, “All right, so what are you going to do differently next time? What did you learn from that?” Don’t give speeches. Just ask simple questions that help your child clarify the whole object lesson. I wouldn’t judge him and I would be as matter of fact as possible. Just shrug and say, “Well, that’s life; you can’t run down the halls in school.” And teach your child, “Look, you know what you’re doing. You made the choice. Now take your consequences and learn from them.”

• How to Handle a Relational Problem

If your child has been caught destroying property, speaking rudely or obscenely, or hurting someone at school, as a parent you need to deal with that very strongly. I think you need to find out the facts and then you need to let your child know very clearly that there are consequences at home for that kind of behavior. And the first consequence is, “We’re not going to fight with the school. You need to pay the price for your actions.” If your child has a fight in school and he’s suspended, for example, he ought to have consequences at home. I would recommend no electronics for the length of the suspension. He should not be suspended from school and then allowed to goof off at home all day. Make the suspension unpleasant for him. If it’s not unpleasant, it’s not going to shape his behavior. The whole theory behind consequences is that the memory of unpleasantness will shape the person’s behavior next time. So don’t undermine the school’s consequences by making the suspension a week of playing and vacation for your child.

Talking to Your Child’s Teachers: Let Them Know What Works for Your Child

I recommend that you let your child’s teacher know how you deal with behavior at home. I think if your child has a history of behavior problems, you want to meet with that teacher early on in the year and say, “We know that Jake can be disruptive. This is how we deal with it at home. And if there’s any way we can help you, please let us know.” Certainly you should tell a teacher what works at home and what doesn’t work at home. This doesn’t mean you’re limiting them; rather, you’re helping them be more effective with your child’s behavior in the classroom. So if you have specific techniques you use, share them. An example might be, “We find Jake does his homework better when his door is open or he’s sitting at the dining room table. So he might do better in school if you have him up close to your desk.” Or, “We find Jake does better at home when we get him started. So if you could take a minute to get him going on the assignment, it might work out better.” Be sure to ask your child’s teacher how you can be helpful to them. Be open to what they say—they might have some great ideas. And always ask the teacher, “How can we support you at home with this?”

Parents and Teachers: Getting on the Same Team

In this day and age, everybody is stressed and nobody’s got time. Parents are working harder than ever, and teachers have larger classrooms and more responsibilities. Believe me, if everybody had time and more resources, there would be a lot less friction between parents and schools. But that’s not the case, so we just have to live with that and figure out how to manage it the best we can.

After all, we have the common goal of wanting our kids to behave responsibly and get an education. Schools have a legitimate interest in kids being compliant and respectful. Parents have a legitimate interest in kids getting an education and learning how to become independent. Parents and teachers should be on the same team, but sadly, often they’re not. There was a time when teachers and parents worked together—where if the teacher called a parent, the parent really worked on changing their child’s behavior. Kids were held accountable at home. It’s not often that way anymore. Now parents are often blaming of teachers and teachers are blaming of parents—and children play both ends against the middle. Kids can be highly manipulative in this area.

I think parents and teachers should work hard at being on the same team. I think the parent’s role is really, “How can we help the teacher do their job? What can we do at home?” And the teacher’s stance has to be, “In what areas do I need the parents’ support and what is my responsibility? How can we work together to get this child on track?”

I’ve heard a lot of stories about bad teachers. I’ve met one or two myself, but by and large, I believe most teachers are trying their best. The truth is, you have to really try to work with the teacher your child gets. If there is an issue, I recommend you go to that teacher and talk about it. And if that doesn’t work, then go to an administrator and try to set up some meetings. Just realize that the more adversarial the relationship between the parents and the school, the more your child is going to suffer—and the more they’re going to get away with. Don’t forget, when parents and teachers fight, nobody wins. And the end result is that your child doesn’t feel he has to change his behavior at all.

If your child has been labeled a troublemaker and he has chronic behavior or attitude problems, it’s crucial that you are able to communicate with his teacher and the school. I think if you can develop a working relationship around a child who has these problems, it becomes a lot easier to support that teacher in his or her efforts. The bottom line is, that is what is best for your child. It may not feel best for your ego, but that is what’s best for your child. Is this a lot of work? Yes, it is. But I think parents need to try to find the time to do it. I know that sometimes I ask a lot of parents, but the fact is that kids need a lot of parenting nowadays. Communication and compromise are a huge part of parenting and working with your child’s school.

I’ve worked with a lot of children and teens with behavior problems over the years—and believe me, very few of their parents liked their friends. It’s like the national anthem of parents: “It’s not my child; it’s those kids he hangs out with!” When I hear that, I always say, “Maybe that’s so, but the reason he hangs out with that group is because he’s similar to them. And just like you’re saying, ‘It’s those other kids he hangs out with,’ those other kids’ parents are saying it’s your kid who’s the problem.”

While your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him

The old axiom is true, birds of a feather do flock together—and that’s especially accurate in adolescence. In fact, one of the main needs of their particular developmental level is to belong to a group and be accepted. That’s why teenagers are always so worried about how they look and act. And once they find a mode of dress, a type of music and a group of kids who accept them, it’s very hard for parents to break through.

The first thing you have to realize is that you can’t pick your child’s friends. In fact, if you criticize their friends, you will see them react very strongly. That’s because they’re developmentally bound to defend their chosen peer group. When kids enter adolescence, they employ a way of looking at the world in which their friends are more important than anybody else. You’ll often hear them say, “You just don’t understand.” And another part of that mindset is, “Nobody understands me but my friends.” So if you criticize or attack their friends, you’re really just making the relationship stronger. And no matter how you feel about your child’s friends, I don’t believe this direct kind of attack is effective. In fact, there are kids who like the fact that their parents don’t approve of their friends; it adds to the flavor of the relationship. Understand that while your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him.

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friends:

6 Ways to Deal with the “Wrong Crowd”

• Try to Avoid Repeated Criticisms of Their Friends

I personally don’t think repeatedly criticizing your child’s friends or pointing out that they’re bad is going to be a successful strategy. Again, adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they’re defending their friends. And so it’s very difficult for a parent to turn around and say, “Your friends are no good,” and expect to have a conversation. Your child’s natural urge is going to be to protect his or her friends, whether or not they know you’re right. Realize that criticizing your child‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your child. It’s going to meet with the same resistance and hostility—even if what you’re saying is true. And all it will do is further alienate your child from you.

• Make Clear Statements about Behavior

I think if you don’t like your kid’s friends, the most effective thing to do is state: “I don’t like the way they behave.” That’s the first thing you can say. “I don’t like you hanging out with kids who get in trouble, because you get in trouble with them.” Can you say this every day? No. But you can say it once in awhile. Be sure to simply state the facts. State what you don’t like about their friends’ behavior. You’re not judging them. As a parent, I think you want to be a little smooth about that. You could say, “Look, I’m sure your friends are great to you. But they all smoke pot and they all get into trouble. If you hang out with them, you’re going to get into the same trouble.”

Remember, when we’re having conversations like this with our kids we want to keep our observations on a level we can see. By that I mean talk about things that are recognizable: “I don’t like that Jackie got arrested for shoplifting. I don’t want you to get arrested for it, too. I don’t like that your buddies all use drugs because I don’t want you using drugs. I don’t think it’s good for you.” Make those observations and keep it simple and direct.

• Use Structure

I think that structure can be very helpful when dealing with your child’s friends. In other words, if you don’t like the kids he’s hanging out with, then don’t let him go out on school nights. Try to have more control over where he goes and what he does. If he says he’s going to the football game and then you catch him down at the mall with those friends, that’s his choice. He chose to go some place which you didn’t know about and there should be consequences.

Set Limits
If you know your child’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then I think you should set limits on how much time they spend with those kids—or whether or not your child can see them at all. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say, “Maybe they’re your friends, but I’m not going to let you hang out with them.” With a lot of adolescents, defiance becomes a big problem. Many of the kids I dealt with would climb out their windows when told they couldn’t go out. But again, you set the standard as the parent; you set the expectation. If your child doesn’t meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

• Going Out on Friday Night is Not a “Right”

All of a sudden, kids hit a certain age when they think they have the right to go out. Well, I don’t think so. I think kids have to behave responsibly in order to earn the right to go out. And you can say, “I’ll let you go out if you show me that you’re trustworthy.” Behaving responsibly does not include hanging out with kids who use drugs and drink—that’s all there is to it. I also think going out on Friday or Saturday night is not a right; it has to be something that is discussed every week. My son used to come to me and say, “Listen, Saturday night we’re all going up to the lake. Is it okay if I go?” Saturday night was not his automatic night out. Instead, that was negotiated each week, and the answer wasn’t always “Sure.” As a parent, I think you should be saying, “What are your plans this weekend?” Your child should know that they have to have their plans Okayed by you first, and that they have to behave responsibly in order to earn the privilege of going out.

• Talk to Them about Mean Friends

What if your child is hanging out with kids who treat him badly? Know that he’s hanging out with them for a reason. He’s probably afraid of them so he’s trying to become one of them. When kids are afraid of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and become a bully. Because even though these kids are mean to him, there is a sense of safety there. The deal they make is, “I’ll let you be mean to me and tease me, but you won’t abuse me or beat me up or take my lunch money any more.”

But I think if your kid’s friends are mean to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are, “What are you trying to accomplish by letting people treat you this way? What are you getting out of that?”

Try to have an adult conversation with your child. You can say, “Listen, you have choices; you don’t have to hang out with these kids. You don’t have to be a victim. I can get you help with this.”

When Your Child Hangs Out with Kids Who Use Drugs
As we’ve said, there are several reasons why people gravitate toward different groups. If you have a kid with behavior problems, you will often find that they are attracted to friends who also have behavior problems. If you have a child who doesn’t do his homework and fails in school and is resistant and mouthy, he’s going to gravitate toward friends who won’t hold him accountable for that kind of behavior. Instead, his chosen peer group will reward and reinforce what he’s doing. In order to belong, he just has to do what the other kids are doing. That might be any number of things, including shoplifting, defacing property, using drugs or drinking.

It’s a simple fact that kids who use drugs hang out with other kids who use drugs. These kids are not likely to ask, “Did you get an A in science?” If these are your child’s friends, realize that he is almost certainly engaging in the same type of risky behavior—even if he says he’s not. Let me be clear: there is no other reason for your child to pal around with kids who do drugs. If he says, “Well, they do it, but they don’t do it around me,” that’s a lot of nonsense. It’s just something kids tell you to throw you off track; and sadly, it’s often a far cry from the truth.
Some parents say things to their kids like, “Well, you shouldn’t smoke pot, but everybody experiments with it.” Don’t give your child that cop-out line.

Make it very clear: “No matter what you see your friends or other kids doing, there is no using drugs. That’s our expectation of you.”

We were really clear on that with our son. I personally feel parents cop out when they say, “You shouldn’t do it, but everybody else does it.” Your kid is not equipped to make decisions about drugs. Drugs get you high, drugs take away stress, drugs take away feelings of panic or crisis, and that means something. Once kids start using drugs, it’s easy for teens to become dependent on them because adolescents always feel stress. Drugs can become a dangerous way for them to get relief from all their fears and anxieties. Make no bones about it, drug rehabs today are filled with teenagers whose parents said, “They’re only experimenting” when their kids first started using.

There are important problem-solving tasks adolescents have to work through in order to prepare for adult living. Also, there is knowledge about the world that teenagers have to learn in order to make healthy choices and keep themselves safe. The use of drugs and alcohol in adolescence inhibits the possibility of these milestones being reached. So I don’t think parents should turn a blind eye or make excuses. Many times, parents are afraid to feel powerless, so they’ll make those kinds of statements instead of just telling their child “no.” But you need to hold your child accountable and tell them right from wrong; that’s simply the way it has to be. You have to be very clear and take a stand: “No drinking. No drugs.”

When Your Child’s Behavior Changes
If your child starts changing as a result of the kids he hangs out with, use a structured parenting routine: set limits and manage their time. I also think you should expect that they’re going to change during adolescence. They’re going to find a group with whom they’re going to identify. When you see an adolescent, believe me, he’s probably rebelling against adult authority in a lot of little ways. And while your child may go to school and be fairly responsible, you’ll find that through music, through clothes, through a myriad of different things, it’s a rebellious time in his life.

I think it’s important for parents to understand that rebelliousness has a developmental function. Teenagers are individuating from their parents; what I mean by that is they’re becoming individuals and separating from their parents. This feels as natural to adolescents as water feels to a duck. Saying that, it’s often a very hard thing for parents to accept and manage.

Here’s the bottom line: kids are going to make mistakes and they’re going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what’s right and wrong in the world and hold them accountable

If you’re the parent of a young child who acts out at school, you’ve probably asked yourself, “If my child is out of control now, how will I be able to deal with him when he’s ten—or a teenager?” Once a toddler or kindergartner becomes known as a child who “plays too rough” or “always has to have his way,” parents often find that invitations to playdates and birthday parties begin to dry up. Instead of hoping your child will be well-liked at school, you might be saying to yourself, “If only Ben could find just one friend to play with—and maintain that friendship for longer than a day!”

“If my child is out of control now, how will I be able to deal with him when he’s ten—or a teenager?”

Let me start by saying that many of the difficult behaviors your young child displays— including pushing, hitting, and refusing to share and take turns—are perfectly normal for their developmental level. While you still need to address those issues, I think it’s helpful to understand that they are very common amongst young kids—and you are certainly not alone in what you are dealing with. I personally believe that one of the keys to helping your young child improve their behavior at school lies in having them work on this same behavior at home. The good news is that as a parent, you are in the best position to coach, teach and hold them accountable for their behavior.

In my experience, of all the issues parents have concerns about when it comes to young kids at school, these three tend to be the most common—and the ones parents worry about most:

“My Child is Overly Aggressive.”
Nobody wants their child to hit, yell, or play too roughly with others, but it’s important to realize that this is typical in young children—in part because most toddlers and kindergartners still lack adequate verbal skills to deal with their emotions. For a young child, reasoning through a situation when they are upset can be very challenging, if not altogether impossible. And for many kids, hitting, pushing and yelling are the best problem solving skills they have at their fingertips. This is not to say you should excuse aggressive behavior, or that you can’t coach your child to behave appropriately on their own eventually. While it’s important to recognize that what your child is doing is normal, you also need to use rules and consequences to clearly teach them how to stop behaving too aggressively.

What Parents Can Do: It’s up to you to let your child know that their actions will no longer be tolerated. When things are calm, get down on their level, look them in the eye and say, “Hitting, biting, kicking and pushing are wrong and they hurt people.” Be sure to tell them what their consequence will be: “If I see you hurting anyone, or if the teacher tells me you hit someone again at pre-school today, your consequence will be no television when you get home.” Keep the consequences short term and give them to your child as soon as possible after they have behaved inappropriately. Try to have your child spend time with someone close to his age. Watch them closely so that you can see when your child is starting to become upset and coach him in that moment to use his words. Consequences alone will not change his behavior–but using consequences to require your child to practice the skills he needs to develop will change behaviors.

I also believe it’s important to coach your little one to find his voice instead of lashing out at others. Keep in mind that this will require practice and lots of repetition. You can start by teaching your toddler, pre-schooler or kindergartner a saying to use at school or home when they are angry and frustrated. In place of pushing, for example, tell your child to say something like, “I don’t like that!” or “I’m not going to play with you if you take my toys!” Another good thing to do is show your child how to walk away when he is angry or upset. Be sure to role play this with him, and switch roles so he can see how each side might react.

I also recommend that parents work with their child’s teachers as much as possible: let them know you are doing your best to curb aggressive behavior at home. Oftentimes, the teacher will have helpful suggestions for you to try, as well. The important thing is that you get on the same page and try to work together with the school as much as possible.

“My Child Won’t Share or Take Turns.”
Ahhh, sharing. This is one of the toughest things you’ll deal with when it comes to young kids, both at home and at school. It’s important for you to remember that your child is at a developmental level that makes sharing extremely difficult. Since sharing with others and taking turns is not a behavior that comes naturally to young children, it’s your job to teach your kids why it is so important. After all, learning how to share is central to a child’s ability to make and keep friends. Keep in mind that you can’t force your kids to share any more than you can force them to eat their broccoli—but through practice, they can learn to do it.

What Parents Can Do: Bear in mind that there are some things your child will not want to (and shouldn’t have to) share: A special treat given to them by their Grandma; a new toy from their birthday party; their favorite stuffed animal or security blanket. It’s okay to say, “I know that’s special to you and you don’t want to share it.” And after all, you probably wouldn’t want to “share” the ring your parents gave you when you graduated from high school, or that brand new pair of dress shoes you just bought.

Of course, there are times when your child needs to share: if they’re hoarding a package of crayons while their best friend is sitting empty-handed, for example, it’s time to intervene. Teach a little empathy by saying, “Jamie, how would you feel if Sarah had all the crayons and wouldn’t give you any? Can you think of how to share your crayons?” Some kids may realize this seems selfish, while others may hold on to those crayons all the more tightly! Feel free to give your child a choice here: “Jamie, you can give Sarah five crayons.” If your child refuses to let go of the crayons, tell her that you will give her ten seconds to release the crayons or you will put her in time-out. The same thinking applies when it’s time to take turns. “Jamie, it’s Sarah’s turn to pick a video next. You chose last time.” If a tantrum ensues, your child should face a consequence such as a time-out—or you can leave the play date altogether.

If you hear that your child is having a tough time sharing or taking turns at school, again, let your child’s teacher know that you are working on this specific issue at home, and ask for advice. By the way, I would not give your child a consequence for this when they come home—let the teacher handle it in the classroom. What I would suggest is that you talk to your child in a calm moment about sharing and taking turns. You can say something like, “You know, part of being a good friend is learning how to share. Sometimes it’s a hard thing to do, but taking turns is a big part of playing with someone else and making new friends.” You might also tell them about a time when you had a difficult time taking turns as a child, and how you learned to deal with it. Kids love to hear stories about their parents when they were kids; I’ve found that telling them about your experiences can be very effective in helping them understand the situation and improve their behavior.

I also cannot stress this enough: when you see your child sharing or taking turns nicely, be sure to compliment them and reinforce why it’s important: “I noticed how nicely you were sharing with Connor the other day. It shows that you’re really trying hard to be a good friend. I’m really proud of you.” That positive reinforcement makes all the difference in the world—especially with young kids.

“My Child has a Hard Time Making—and Keeping—Friends.”
Many parents tell me that their kids have difficulties making and keeping friends. Sadly, a child who is demanding or argumentative with other kids often finds himself feeling isolated as a result. And that’s really the natural consequence for this type of behavior—soon, other children just won’t want to play with him anymore.

Kids are aggressive or bossy for many reasons: some get anxious when in groups, while others have not learned proper boundaries or social skills at home. In either case, it’s a good idea to step in and help your child change their behavior as soon as possible.

What Parents Can Do: Start by being honest about what social skills your child lacks, and then make a commitment to help them work through those issues. Many parents tell me that their child observes few boundaries with other kids at school: their child will jump into the middle of games and try to take over, knock down the other students’ Lego buildings, or grab toys from classmates. While again, this type of behavior is normal for this age group, it’s not something you want to go unchecked.

I believe this problem can be resolved in large part by creating better boundaries at home. What that means is, try not to give in if your child whines or pleads, and set firm rules for them. When your child takes over a family dinner conversation or their sibling’s game, remind them that someone else was talking, or that now it’s their brother’s turn to do the puzzle. And follow through on the consequences you have laid out for them. You can say, “You know the consequence for ruining your sister’s game when she has a friend over. You need to go to your room for a time-out and stay there for five minutes.”

I know that parents can become exhausted when dealing with young kids who act out; let’s face it, it’s hard work! But I want to be clear here: it may seem like a small thing in the moment when you fail to be consistent, but consider this: each time you give in when your child acts out, you are setting the stage for future acting out throughout their development. And when you don’t expect them to behave properly within their own relationships at home, the truth is that you are also hindering their ability to act appropriately with their friends at school.

Coaching Your Young Child toward Better Behavior
If you have a young child who acts out at school, realize that he may need some extra coaching as he tries to change his behavior. I recommend that you start by explaining to him what type of behavior you expect him to have. In a calm moment, you can say, “I expect that when you are here at home or with friends at school you will practice sharing, you will not hit, and you will not be bossy.” Rewarding your child for good behavior is also key. I always suggest that parents use a chart at home when they are trying to help improve their child’s behavior, because it is an excellent motivator. The chart might have sections at the top that say, “Plays Nicely with Little Sister”; “Shares and Takes Turns” or “Uses an Inside Voice.” Sit down with your child and show the chart to him—you can even create it together. Be sure to tell him, “If you can do these things, you will get a sticker for your chart each day. When you reach 10 stickers, you’ll get a special surprise.” When your child is able to accomplish these goals, make sure you tell him what a great job he did. Point out specifics like, “I really liked watching you and Gracie take turns with the paints. It seems like you are working hard!” Kids love it when you are aware that they are attempting to change their behavior, and they will try all the harder if they know you’re watching.

If your young child continues to act out with kids at school, let him experience the consequences the teacher doles out, but continue to coach him at home in ways to be less aggressive or bossy. You can also ask his teacher to maintain a “good school behavior chart” –you can even give your child extra points on his chart at home for good behavior there.

Finally, many parents tell me that they often feel their child has been labeled “difficult” by the school which can make the whole family feel like outcasts. If this is your experience, know that it’s never too late to try to improve the situation. Call a meeting with your child’s teacher and state what you are doing for him at home. Let the school know about any outside help your child may be receiving, such as counseling or tutoring. While you can’t control what a teacher thinks of your child, you can at least feel good knowing you are doing everything in your power to help the situation; in my experience that makes all the difference. As a parent, it’s not always easy to help our young children change their behavior, but I believe it’s one of the most important and worthwhile things we will ever do.

While it is normal for aggressive behavior, bossiness, or refusing to share or take turns to creep into your young child’s life at some point, it is also important to know when to seek outside help. The main criteria for contacting your pediatrician or child mental health expert are:

• When your child’s behavior chronically interferes with the order of the classroom or family to the point of daily disruptions. Is your child’s teacher continually calling you to talk about behavior issues, or asking you to come to school and talk? This would include serious infractions at school, such as punching, kicking, or pushing other kids repeatedly and destroying school property. If the teacher is unable to do his or her job because they are dealing with your child’s behavior issues, it is time to seek outside help.
• When the behavior interferes with your child’s ability to maintain friends. I am not suggesting an inability to be popular or have loads of buddies, but rather, when your child is actively disliked by their peer group or has no connections with other children to the point of isolation. This is a cause for concern which you need to address immediately.
• When the behavior interferes with your child’s ability to understand or grasp schoolwork. Again, I’m not suggesting that struggling with learning to read or being bored with a project in kindergarten means there’s a problem. If, however, your child finds it so hard to concentrate that he or she can’t understand the basic concepts appropriate for their developmental level, talk to his or her pediatrician.
• If you feel you have set all the appropriate limits on your child and they still do not respond. When you set limits, use consequences, coach and teach your child on how to behave and nothing seems to be working, it’s time to seek outside help.

Sometimes anxiety, learning disabilities or other issues are the reason that your child has trouble with other kids at school. While it’s true that children with those issues might lack appropriate boundaries, in my opinion that’s all the more reason for you to work on this with them. It’s vital that they learn to develop these skills, or make no mistake, they will grow up without really understanding how to interact socially. If your child has been diagnosed with a disorder such ADHD or ODD for example, use it as an incentive for you as a parent to work harder at helping them develop proper boundaries.