How to Find the Behavioral Triggers That Set Your Kid Off

by Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Line Advisor

Why are your child’s “triggers” so important to be aware of when it comes to losing your temper, or your kids acting out? Many parents I talk to on the Parental Support Line are mystified by their child’s behavior. They feel like they’re walking through a minefield at home—where something, anything, could set their child off at any moment. This is an incredibly tough feeling for parents to deal with, and many feel at a loss about how to stop it; as a result, they feel defeated and hopeless. However, it is possible to turn things around.

It’s not the situation or the feeling that’s the problem; it’s how kids think about these things and what they say to themselves that causes problems.

In order to come up with a solution that will help, it’s important to first figure out what the problem is—what sets your child off? Once you identify your child’s “triggers,”—the events or situations that precede a tantrum or tirade, you’ll be on your way to stopping the out of control behavior.

Related: Stop out of control behavior now.

To explain it in terms of behavior management, a trigger is a thought about a situation that leads to an inappropriate response to that situation. In other words, it’s not the situation or the feeling that’s the problem; it’s how kids think about these things and what they say to themselves that causes problems. Whenever a child lacks the skills to effectively respond to or manage a trigger, acting out occurs. For example, your teen might become angry and think to himself, “This is so unfair! I don’t have to put up with this crap.” This kind of thinking, commonly referred to as “negative self-talk,” might lead to your child lashing out, screaming, and throwing things. Some kids act out more passively; your child might pretend he doesn’t hear you when you ask him to do something, for example. What he might be saying to himself in this situation is, “She can’t control me. I can do whatever I want,” right before he decides to ignore you. Kids can also act in—they can withdraw and shut down or refuse to speak to you when you try to find out what’s wrong. They might think, “I’m so useless. I never do anything right. There’s just no point in trying.”

Learning your child’s triggers is one of the first steps to helping him learn better self-management skills. When he’s able to learn his triggers, he’ll start to recognize them when they come up. Only when he recognizes them can he start to use a new strategy to manage them. The process itself will involve a lot of problem-solving discussions with you and will take repetition and time, but it’s something most kids can learn.

How can you identify your child’s triggers?

Observe and Investigate: Observation is one of your best tools for identifying your child’s triggers, especially with younger children who have less self-awareness. Simply pay attention and be aware of the warning signs. Watch and listen, whether your child is hanging out with friends at home, doing homework, or playing on the playground. You might start to notice patterns emerging. For example, maybe your child does well with her math homework but starts to get sassy and restless when it’s time to do her daily reading. That would alert you that there may be a trigger related to reading that you want to explore more. Or, you might notice that your teen starts acting strange and moody after she talks to her boyfriend on the phone or returns from his house. This might tell you that the trigger is related to something going on in their relationship. Keep your eyes and ears open at all times and look for patterns and connections. And remember, observing is not the same as searching. If you are going to search through your child’s room, social networking accounts, backpacks, etc. be up front with them and let them know that you might search through these things at any time for any reason. [Editor’s note: For more on this subject, read Teens and Privacy by James Lehman, MSW.]

You also should enlist the help of other adults in your child’s life to observe your child’s behavior and interactions. This could include your relatives, other parents, or your child’s teachers. If your child starts acting out while other adults are around, ask them what they saw happen right before the acting out started. If your child acted out in school, find out what the teacher saw happening or what other students reported to her. You can think of yourself as an investigator interviewing the witnesses so that you can piece everything together and start to make connections between environmental factors and your child’s acting out. Observation by you and other adults in your child’s life is especially important when dealing with younger children (preschool through early elementary school) who might have a hard time answering any questions you ask them to clarify what happened. As helpful as this tool can be, do not rely on observation alone. Instead, let it serve as a guide that points you in the right direction.

Related: How to get through to your aggressive or acting out child.

Perception is Everything: It’s vital to consider your child’s perception of the incident. Remember that children perceive things very differently from adults. You might assume you know what happened, but your child probably experienced it very differently.  So ask him about it even if you think you know the answer. You might say “What were you thinking right before you threw your book at your friend?” or “What was going on for you before you pushed that kid in the hall at school?” (Again, some younger children might struggle to answer these questions, but it can’t hurt to ask.) Some kids can have trouble putting their thoughts into words at times. If your child is still wound up from the incident, give him time to calm down before trying to have any sort of conversation about what happened. Emotions can sometimes be a block to clear, rational thought.

Here are 5 tips to help you make your child more aware of their triggers:

1. With younger kids, talk about feelings: Because feelings and triggers are directly related, having discussions about feelings when your kids are young can help you establish a foundation to build on when identifying your child’s triggers for him. This should be done when things are calm and going well, not right in the middle of or after a tantrum or outburst. Ask your child what makes him angry. What makes him happy? What makes him sad? The purpose of this is to teach kids how to identify various feelings, to learn what it means to feel angry, happy, sad, disappointed, etc., not to give them an excuse for bad behavior.  This also enables kids to communicate their feelings to you clearly so that you are in the best position to help them learn how to cope.

2. Connect the dots for them: Let your child know what you have observed about the trigger and the acting out behavior. Use this as a framework: “Whenever ______ happens, you ________” or “I’ve noticed that when you ________, you __________.” For example, you might say “I’ve noticed that when you think something is unfair, you get verbally abusive and call me names. “ By connecting the dots for them, you are helping them learn their triggers. It’s best if this is part of a problem-solving discussion that includes you and your child coming up with a plan for what your child will do differently next time he is in this kind of situation.  Having a clear simple plan is necessary to help your child change his behavior in the future.

3. Talk about the signs: Often there are physical symptoms that come along with these trigger thoughts. The nervous system kicks into high gear when a trigger is present and can cause rapid heartbeat, warm flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, cold hands, muscle tension, and a lot of other signals. Ask your child what they feel in their body when the trigger you are talking about is present. When kids are aware of the warning signs their body gives them, it will serve as a natural cue to put the new plan you came up with during your problem-solving discussions into action.

4. Cueing: Cueing is a common behavior management technique. Choose one specific trigger to work on and then come up with some kind of hand signal or phrase that will serve as an alert to your child that the trigger is present. This allows you to make your child aware of the trigger subtly in social situations. Once you have alerted him, he’ll have the chance to self-correct, or in other words, respond using the new plan you came up with, with minimal help from you. Cueing works at home as well.

5. Check in: If you’ve cued your child but he didn’t use the response the two of you had planned on, have him take a break from whatever is going on and come speak to you in a quiet place, away from an audience. This is where you step in and help your child correct his behavior. Let him know you gave him the cue but you noticed he didn’t respond the way you had discussed. Remind him of what you talked about and let him know what the consequences will be if he doesn’t use the plan the next time you cue him today, and remind him what the plan is. This can apply with younger kids and teens, in social settings or at home.

What changes in behavior might you see?

Teaching your child about his triggers is not an easy process by any means. To really help your child become aware of his triggers takes time and repetition, as well as commitment and persistence on your part. Talking about it only one time and then forgetting about it will not get you anywhere; continuing to have calm, supportive and open dialogue about triggers is the key. Stick with it and allow room for some trial and error when coming up with new ways to respond to triggers. With time, most children not only learn how to respond more effectively when triggers occur, but they learn to anticipate them and even avoid situations that might set them off. As James Lehman says in the Total Transformation Program, “…Kids start to see triggers as real things that they can manage with real tools, that there are things you can do about this… But the bottom line is a lot of these kids’ minds construct ways of thinking that justify inappropriate behavior.  And they’ve got to come up with alternative ways of thinking, alternative ways of perceiving the problem.”  

When your child realizes there are things he can do to manage his triggers appropriately, your pay-off is a child who knows himself well, has improved self-management skills, and feels more confident about himself. And when you’re able to help your child reduce his acting out behavior, you’ll feel calmer and more in control—exactly how you want to be.

Sara A. Bean, M.Ed. holds a Masters Degree in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Florida Atlantic University. She is a Certified School Counselor and a proud aunt to a 5 year-old girl. She has been with Legacy Publishing since 2009 working on the Parental Support Line. Sara has over 5 years of experience working with youth and families in private homes, residential group homes, and schools.

ODD Kids and Behavior: 5 Things You Need to Know as a Parent

by Kimberly Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW, Members of The Total Transformation Advisory Board

Do you often feel overwhelmed as the parent of an ODD child? Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner have worked with parents of kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder for 20 years—and Kim is the parent of an adult child with ODD. Read on to find out the 5 things you need to know to be a more effective parent.

Raising an ODD child is like belonging to a special kind of club: it’s the “Special Forces Unit” of parenting. When you have an ODD kid, you encounter situations parents of “typical kids” would never dream of. What’s worse, you didn’t volunteer for this duty—it’s much more akin to being drafted. And while you’re trying your best to parent a very difficult child, you’re often misunderstood by professionals and other parents who are raising typical kids.

It helps to remember what’s driving your child’s behavior: the need to be in control.

Related: More effective parenting tools for ODD kids.

The bottom line is that a child with ODD is not your typical kid. The primary difference? Typical kids will allow others to exert some degree of control over them. They may argue, but they’ll eventually give in. They may break rules, but they allow themselves to be grounded. Ultimately, they will give over to parental (or adult) authority. What’s the biggest fear an ODD kid has? Loss of control to a parent, or any adult authority figure. In an argument, your ODD child will dig his heels in rather than yield. As soon as he feels threatened, it’s on! Grounded? Please! Parents often feel more miserable during grounding than their ODD child. In the words of 15-year-old Jack, “I know how to get ungrounded. I’ll just turn my stereo up so loud all my mom’s knick knacks fall off the shelves. She’ll beg me to get out of the house!”

Here are some tips if you’re living with a “Jack” in your home:

Nobody Wins the Blame Game. When your home is in turmoil because of constant arguing with your child, it can be easy to fall into the trap of blame. Kim is the parent of an ODD child, and as she was raising him, she often found herself saying things like, “My son is ruining my life. I spend all my time dealing with him. I don’t even have any time for myself anymore.” And she didn’t just blame him for how she was feeling and the constant chaos in their home, she often blamed herself. “I’d beat myself up by saying, ‘If I was a better parent, he wouldn’t be this way,’” she explains. “After I realized what I was doing, whenever I found myself caught up in the Blame Game, I tried to take a step back and identify what I was feeling. Usually it was hurt or disappointment in my son or myself: I was taking my child’s behavior or choices personally. I had to realize that my son was not responsible for my emotional well-being—I was.”

Related: Having trouble getting through to your oppositional, defiant child?

Blaming yourself or your child won’t help the situation and can leave you feeling angry and resentful toward him. To make matters worse, you’ll come away feeling guilty on top of it. It’s good to hold your child accountable for his actions, but when it turns to blame, it will only worsen feelings of resentment. Besides, kids are quick to blame others for their own behavior. Instead, you want to be a role model for them by taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.

Keeping A Tab Just Leaves You with a Huge Bill. With Kim’s son, she says that it was never that he’d done “just one thing—it was that he’d done twenty things over the course of a day (or sometimes an hour).” So it wasn’t just that he’d refused to take care of his dishes, it was that an hour before that he’d kicked a hole in the wall, and an hour before that, he’d gotten in a fight with his brother. She kept a running tab in her mind of everything he’d done wrong. It left her feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. By the time he refused to take care of the dishes, she’d had enough. She could give you a tab of offenses he’d committed back to the time he was six and threw mashed potatoes on the wall just because he was bored! But there’s another side to that coin: her son would also give her a running tab of the mistakes she’d made as a parent, back to the time he believed she sold his toys at a garage sale. It was a recipe for arguments and power struggles.

Just as parents want the chance to learn from our mistakes and start each day fresh, our children deserve the same. Though sometimes it’s difficult to separate these actions out, try to make your responses fit the specific behavior, instead of the running list you have going in your head. In other words, don’t let your child’s bad behavior compound until there’s no punishment or consequence big enough for them.

Tug of War Will Give You Rope Burn. It helps to remember what’s driving your child’s behavior: the need to be in control. When faced with loss of control, ODD kids will often go to extremes to fight against authority. Suddenly, you’re no longer focused on the behavior or issue at hand; you’re in a power struggle. Rather than your child learning from consequences, things quickly get way off topic. You might start out trying to address your son’s grades in school, and end up arguing about whether or not you threw away his Matchbox cars when he was four years old. But engaging in power struggles will leave you exhausted, frustrated and often confused as to what the heck just happened! Our advice is this: When you find yourself in a tug-of-war over control, try letting go of the rope. And ask yourself, “What is my intention in this discussion?” If you’re simply arguing with no clear direction or purpose, it’s probably not a discussion that needs to occur. The best thing to do is walk away. Remember, it takes two to tug on that rope. If you keep pulling on your end, you’re likely to end up in the mud.

Related: Stop the parent-child tug of war.

Sometimes an Answer Isn’t Required. Sometimes kids just need to vent. Ever find yourself needing to get something off your chest, but you’re not really looking for an answer? As parents, we tend to jump in and try to solve what we view as our kids’ problems. Sometimes when they’re complaining or upset it doesn’t really require a response from us beyond, “I hear what you’re saying.” Kim used to go into “fix-it” mode with her son, offering solutions to problems despite the fact that he hadn’t even asked for guidance. Not surprisingly, he would shoot down every one of her suggestions and then get angry at her. Why? Because he didn’t really want her to solve anything.

If your child is looking for an answer or response, they’ll ask you. Otherwise, try just listening without jumping in to help. Allow your child to have his feelings, and know he’s been heard.

Change Your Thoughts. The way you think about things determines how you feel and act toward your child. If your thoughts are negative, it will affect the way you interact and respond to his behavior—and to him as a person. See if you can catch hold of things that are popping into your mind and replace them with more positive thoughts. For example, when “Jack” digs his heels in on something, instead of thinking, “He’s so stubborn; everything’s an argument,” try to change that thought to, “He’s certainly determined.” Changing your thoughts can help you change how you’re feeling toward your child.

When someone pushes against you, the natural instinct is to push back. When Kim’s son pushed against her in defiance, she said she “often found herself pushing back in reaction, without even thinking about it.” Your child may have the type of personality that will continue to push against others and fight against being controlled in any way. Make no mistake, raising an ODD child is an emotional and challenging experience. It’s a process of trying to be creative, because you have to constantly look for “things that work” with a child whose very essence is to fight against being controlled.

The truth is, your child’s personality isn’t likely to change, but if you use these tips we offer, you’ll find yourself engaging in that conflict less frequently and less intensely. As Kim says, “I found that it was hard for my child to argue without a partner in the process. By changing how I responded to him, over time our relationship changed.” If you’re able to alter the way you respond to your child, the result will be less conflict and more peace in your home. And by modeling the techniques we’ve given you, you’ll be teaching your child conflict-resolution skills, de-escalating techniques, healthy relationship skills and coping skills. The best part? You’ll be able to end the day feeling good about yourself and knowing that you gave it your best.

Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are the co-creators of Life Over the Influence, a new program to help families struggling with substance abuse issues.

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Countless readers write in to Empowering Parents and say, “I’m supposed to know how to make my child behave, but I don’t. He’s out of control and people blame me for his behavior. I feel guilty and ashamed most of the time, and very alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” The truth is, you’re not supposed to know everything about being a parent—it’s a skill you have to learn, just like anything else. While there’s no one “right way” to parent, there are more effective ways to handle your child’s behavior.

You’re probably not waking up in the morning saying, “I think I’ll really mess my kid up today.”

Related: Stop blaming yourself for your child’s behavior and take on more parental authority today.

I’ve worked with some of the toughest, out of control adolescents imaginable and really understand where people are coming from when they say they feel like a “bad parent.” As a therapist in residential treatment centers for troubled teens and at-risk youth, part of my job was also working with parents to teach them new skills. The moms and dads I met were beaten down and guilt-ridden by the time their kids arrived at the residential center. The vast majority had really tried to do their best as parents, but they were up against difficult odds with their kids—including behavior disorders, mood problems and other stressors in the home. It was extremely difficult for them to dig out of the hole of blame, shame and guilt, because their kids had such a long history of acting-out behavior. But over time, these parents learned to stop taking their children’s behavior personally, and to parent more effectively by using techniques that stressed responsibility and accountability. So remember, no matter what has gone on before or what your child is like now, it’s never too late for them to change.

If you have an acting-out child, it’s common to feel a chronic sense of shame over his behavior, or like you’ve “failed” as a parent. The important thing to understand is that these feelings don’t help anyone; they won’t help you, and they won’t help your child. Questions about who’s to blame don’t really matter when parents are working to become more effective. The real question is, what can you do differently to help your child change his behavior? After all, it’s not about whose fault it is—it’s about who is willing to take responsibility.

I understand that feeling judged and blamed by others is uncomfortable and upsetting. And perhaps you are being judged by others, but keep reminding yourself that they haven’t walked in your shoes. Even if you’re being blamed, you’re still trying to do your very best. You’re probably not waking up in the morning saying, “I think I’ll really mess my kid up today.” So give yourself a break from blame and guilt, and focus instead on what you can do to change the situation.

When You Take on Blame for Your Child’s Behavior

When your child acts out or misbehaves, it can become a habit to say things to yourself like, “It’s my fault he lies—I spoiled him and allowed him to get away with too much when he was younger. It’s my fault he’s rude to his grandparents—I wasn’t able to teach him good manners. It’s my fault his grades are bad—I should have worked harder with him every night. It’s my fault he stays out past curfew—I allowed him too much freedom after my divorce because I felt guilty about breaking up the family. While it’s common to fall into the trap of feeling guilty, it won’t get you—or your child—anywhere. It’s important to understand that when you blame yourself, you’re taking on your child’s behavior—and you’re not helping him take responsibility. This is the opposite of what you want, because your child will just learn that he doesn’t need to be accountable for his actions.

Related: Hold your child accountable by using effective consequences.

Why do we get into these patterns with our kids? To put it simply, it’s painful to see our children struggle. Think of it this way: have you ever picked up your child’s room even though he was supposed to clean it? You probably told yourself, “It’ll be easier if I just do it myself.” In the same way, it can be easier to take on our kids’ mistakes than to hold them responsible. But just as you faced your own difficulties growing up and learned how to take responsibility, so will your child need to learn those same lessons. Along the way, he’ll face some challenges and disappointments. If he’s not allowed to face those difficulties, he’ll never develop into an adult who’s able to take responsibility and deal with life’s ups and downs; he’ll always be looking for someone else to take on his problems—or take the blame for his actions.

Here’s an example from my own life. I remember a time when our son was having difficulties in school. His teacher called about his behavior and my first reaction was to get angry and defensive and blame myself. But my husband James was so clear when he said, “This is not about you, Janet—it’s about our son.” This was helpful in prompting me to change and not take what was happening personally. I needed to remove myself from the picture and focus on my child and what he needed.

If you’re enabling your child by blaming other people—or yourself—you need to take a step back and really ask, “Is this a pattern that’s developed?” When you start looking at patterns of behavior in a non-blaming way, you’ll be able to help your child take responsibility and change that behavior. In order to do this, you have to be strong and not buy all the excuses your child may give you. Don’t let him try to put the blame on you by saying things like, “You made me mad so I kicked the wall.” Or “You took my cell phone away so I went out to meet my friends without telling you.”

Related: Is your child verbally abusive?

If you have a child who’s blaming others, you might start by having him write down what happened. (If possible, try to find out what happened yourself and have the goods on the situation by doing a little investigative work with the people involved.) What you want is to get your child to a place where he can be as objective as possible about what happened. Ask, “What was your responsibility and what were other people’s responsibilities in this situation?” This question is powerful to help him learn about his role in what happened and how to change. You might even write down the facts yourself. Be as objective as possible and don’t put yourself—or your feelings of guilt—into the equation. List the facts and think about them almost as a neutral party. This will help you to look at things with a clearer lens.

When Others Blame You

Does this sound familiar? You’re out somewhere in your neighborhood and your child starts acting out. Maybe he yells at you or calls you a foul name. Somebody sends you a blaming look or makes a comment about your child being out of control, and you immediately feel guilty. People will put that blame and shame on you, but you don’t have to accept it. When you finally become empowered as a parent, you’ll realize that nobody walks in your shoes. Those people who judge you don’t have a clue, because you really are doing your best every day. Here’s something that’s helpful to repeat to yourself: “No one understands unless they’ve walked in my shoes. I’m doing my best, and other people won’t always see or appreciate that.” Eventually, you’ll be able to change those tapes that are playing in your head that say you’re doing a bad job or that you’re a failure as a parent. Instead, you’ll be able to say honestly, “I tried my best today, and we made it to bedtime without a fight.”

Old Habits Die Hard: When You Catch Yourself Taking on Blame

What should you do when you’re able to actually catch yourself in the moment feeling guilty or taking on blame for your child? First of all, congratulate yourself for being aware of what’s happening. The first real step toward change on your part is that awareness of what you’re doing. Any time you can catch yourself and count to five, you’re probably going to do something different than your first impulse. If you can, take a moment and write down the facts. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What’s the situation? What actually happened?
2. What’s my first inclination based on those findings?
3. What could I do to be more effective?

It’s really all about gaining objectivity and then, as James said, taking yourself out of the picture. Step back physically and take a timeout if you need to. And keep telling yourself, “This is not about me, it’s about my child.”

“I feel so alone.”

Often families of oppositional, defiant, or acting-out kids become very withdrawn and start to pull away from other people. While it can protect parents and families from further outside shame and blame, it does nothing to improve the internal feelings the parents have about their own blame and their own failure. In other words, this isolation really magnifies their feelings of failure.

Related: Does your child’s acting out behavior make you feel alone?

When you reach out to others, it helps to reduce or remove blame and failure. You’ll get a better perspective and realize you’re not alone and that there are others who have similar problems. None of us knew how to parent when we had our children; we all learn as we go. The bottom line is that feeling blamed and feeling guilty prevents us from taking action; it keeps us stuck and feeling defeated. It becomes the lens we see things through, rather than through a clearer lens that focuses on behavioral change.

I recommend that you reach out to people who may also be going through some of the same struggles as you are. Keep reading Empowering Parents; join our Facebook community. It’s amazingly helpful, because you’ll see other parents who are having the exact same problems that you’re having with your child—and chances are you won’t blame or judge them. When you see yourself reflected in another person—who’s also trying their best to raise their child—you’ll have a much healthier sense of yourself.

Blame and guilt produce a lot of wasted energy and wasted feelings—the challenge is to get beyond these emotions. Your guilt usually has nothing to do with what’s going on with your child: his behavior can very possibly be beyond your control. You may really need some additional help, like The Total Transformation program or counseling, to implement change. The bottom line is that instead of feeling guilty or blaming yourself, what you need to do is move forward and change what you’re doing now.

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of ?utm_medium=epexperts&utm_source=eparticles&utm_content=bio&utm_campaign=tt”>The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

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